This post has been created for the express purposes of ameliorating writing and assisting struggling composition students. In it, I shall explain numerous rules and regulations for quality writing, as well as providing examples of such. Careful consideration has been taken to ensure that this text be as accessible and engrossing as possible for the average student, that is, an individual from ten to twenty-two in age. The first such rule being as follows: never have a boring introduction.

There are certain protocols in writing, which I am sure you have realized by now. Guidelines and rules must be adhered to in order to produce at least readable, if not enjoyable, text. The main point I am trying to convey here is that absolute, immediate frankness is desirable. Be sure to introduce your topic in your first sentence, rather than the third or fourth. If your readers cannot deduce until the end of the paragraph what you are talking about, it can be disorienting and unpleasant.

Transitional sentences are necessary for an essay to read smoothly. Never begin a new paragraph in a manner that requires a leap achievable only by Olympic long jumpers to make it from the last sentence in your previous paragraph to the first sentence of your next paragraph. Such writing deserves to be burned in effigy at the least, if not publicly ridiculed. It makes the reader feel as if he has gone from Siberia to the Sahara in the space of a moment. A gentle segue from topic to topic is most desirable.

However, transitional sentences are not the only tools required for easy digestibility, for another necessary one is clear and concise sentences that contain only one point and do not ramble for an eternity before coming to a long-delayed close because such sentences will almost always put your audience to sleep in the most unpleasant way imaginable and induce a phobia to your future works because such sentences are, quite frankly, awkward and difficult to understand, for how can your reader even remember the point you were discussing if ninety words later you are still beating around the bush about it and have not the common sense necessary to terminate a sentence before it is a mummified old relic that belongs in a museum somewhere and not in your essay, lurking to prey on unwary readers who are unfortunate enough to be forced to read a paper written in such an awful, insomnia-curing fashion.

Of course, if the above rules were the only ones required for good writing everybody would be doing it. Remember the important of transitional sentences. Since most people are not, it begs the question: what else must we do to craft an excellent paper? Are not blue flowers gorgeous? The next rule is a simple one, but one that many people tend to skip. It can be summed up in less than ten words: Be sure all the sentences belong in the paragraph. It would stun you to discover how many writers forget this simple rule. One of my favorite painters is Leonardo Da Vinci, because his pictures are so real. After all, if the writer jumps from topic from topic, it induces vertigo even worse that of Jimmy Stewart’s character in Hitchcock’s film of the same name.

An even worse fault. If possible than sentences in the wrong. Paragraph. Are portions of text that end with a period but are not full sentences. This creates. Choppy writing that is nearly unreadable. Some people seem to think it permissible. To simply throw periods around like confetti. With no thought to where they land. Such writing is truly. Abhorrent. The reader never knows when. He will be abruptly hit in the face. With a period. It is like Chinese. Water torture. The sheer unpredictability of it. Plays havoc on the mind. If a paper written in this manner. Runs long enough the reader will eventually. Begin talking in gibberish and hallucinating. Always remember that. Causing. Schizophrenia should be. A federal offense.

Another hallucination-inducing experience is reading a useless conclusion tacked onto a truly atrocious paper. A good conclusion ought to do more than merely restate the points mentioned in the body of your paper. Be sure not to beat around the bush getting to the topic of a paragraph. Transitional sentences are not voluntary, they are mandated by law. Long, verbose, run-on sentences are strictly forbidden. Having sentences unrelated to the topic of a paragraph floating around said paragraph is similar to having loaded firearms floating around your house within the reach of small children: both situations are potentially life-threatening. Using incomplete,‘sentences’,so-called, have been banned due to health risks. Oh yes, I almost forget: a conclusion must also be thought-provoking and remain in your reader’s mind long after the paper is set down. After all, why bother taking the time to write, but not to write well?

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2 responses »

  1. Nathan Johnson says:

    This is still one of my favorite pieces that you’ve written 🙂

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