I made the mistake of running by the corner store today (that would be the 13th of February) to grab some laundry detergent. I only realized that this decision was a mistake when I finally discovered the end of the checkout line–somewhere halfway to the back of the store in the middle of the snack section.
Apparently, the day before Valentine’s is a big shopping day. You know, you gotta make sure to stock up on all your chocolate and balloons, and those little teddy bears with pink ribbons around their necks. (I never did understand the stuffed animals: do grade-schoolers distribute these items to their sweethearts in lieu of rings or flowers?)
While I was stuck in line for approximately an eternity and half in the snack aisle, I saw a few things that made me think twice:
Girl Scout Cookie Knock-Offs
There was an entire shelf of fake Samoa cookies, except that they lacked caramel and only looked about a sixteenth as appetizing as the real thing. Do people really buy these things? I mean, I understand that the prices of Girl Scout cookies make capitalists everywhere weep with joy at the thought of little kids learning the secret of gouging as deeply as the market will hold, but still. Do people really walk into a store and go, “Oh geez, I want a Samoa, but it isn’t cookie season/I don’t want to take out a second mortgage on my house. I’ll buy one of these? Because they look so yummy?”
I understand regular ole licorice, but the black stuff? To me, it’s taste like the unholy offspring of tar and saccharine. But maybe I’m the only one? I kind of hope I am, otherwise it concerns me that I see it. every. where. I. turn. Kinda like an edible (?) version of Hannah Montana.
Chicken Flavored Crackers
Yes, you read that correctly. These are crackers, folks, that are supposed to taste like chicken. I don’t understand the emotions and motivations that would lead a person to create chicken-flavored crackers. Who even eats chicken and crackers at the same time? Now, according to my sister, chicken-flavored potato chips are quite the rage in Scotland. Perhaps the crackers are an enterprising American’s attempt to bring the snack across the pond? Sorry, I don’t think it’s taking. Chicken chips are bad enough, but chicken crackers are nearly unthinkable.
Why, people? Just. . .why? Intellectually, I understand that this is a sweet treat intended for adult consumption. But every time I see a bag of these things, I can’t help imagining a five-year-old innocently assuming it’s basically the same as a Hershey bar or one of those sucky-chewy candies whose name I don’t know. Sugar AND coffee. Not only will this kid not sleep for a week, but neither will anyone else under the same roof.
Colon Cleanser Kit
Admittedly, this wasn’t in the snack aisle (thank goodness), but I saw it on the impulse rack next to the register, right beside the gum and candy. Because everyone runs to the store to pick up a few basics and, while unloading his cart onto the conveyor belt, decides to go ahead and purchase a colon cleansing kit, right? And maybe a pack of Wrigley’s and People magazine while he’s at.
Namarie from the Tale-Weaver.