I should have been writing an essay this evening (or, if I totally didn’t feel like writing, I’ve got 7 chapters of poly-sci reading to do, a psych exam to study for, astronomy notes to look over, and a while I’m at it I may as well solve the problem of world hunger). But as you’ve probably deduced by now, I wasn’t. I put in a movie and booted up my computer, planning to dash off a draft while watching Gregory Peck growl at disappointing subordinates (I know this isn’t efficient studying, but it’s more efficient than just sitting down to watch the movie and not writing at all).

But then, you know, Google Chrome was open. My home page is http://www.guardian.co.uk, and there was a funny video about the Greek debt crisis and the inefficiency of the EU–probably, the video is less funny if your country happens to be a member of the EU, and probably even more unfunny if your country happens to be a member of the EU and its name happens to be Greece (unless, apparently, you’re British, in which case the video is funny enough to be the featured ‘story’ on your second most popular news site).

And then there was an article about neo-Nazi extremists in Germany, which immediately sobered me up from my still-snickering fit from the debt video. The thought of continued racism was depressing, so I googled ‘Alexis Baron von Roenne’, to restore my faith in humanity. But then Google only turned up about 1,170 results, which was saddening and somewhat frustrating. If I Google ‘Kardashian’, I get roughly 38,600,000 results, but search for a man instrumental to both the success of D-Day and the Allied invasion of Sicily and I get only a 1/32991th of the hits. I don’t even know what Kardashians are actually famous for. Clearly, someone’s priorities are out of whack.

I shuddered for the values and continued existence of our culture, then opened my emails, because someone might have sent me something I actually wanted to read between the time I booted up my computer and the time I googled ‘Kardashian’. No one had. So I marked all the sixteen emails that I didn’t want to read as read, because I’m OCD like that and get panicky if I have unread emails (yes, I know it’s ridiculous).

I looked up psychology jokes online (none of them were actually very funny). I got to the part in the Gregory Peck movie where the airmen listen to a radio broadcast from Lord Haw-Haw and wanted to look for an actual Lord Haw-Haw recording online so I could see how accurate the voice acting was. But I couldn’t because I was watching a movie and hate hearing two audios at the same time (I added ‘search for Haw-Haw radio broadcasts’ to my mental list of tasks to perform the next time I want to procrastinate).

Then I remembered that Tom Cruise movie about the plot to assassinate Hitler. As I thought of all the reasons watching that movie feels roughly as enjoyable as attending a four hour lecture on the nocturnal habits of groundhogs in industrialized nations, I IMDB’d it for no particular reason except that I dislike it (IMDB: noun, the biggest cinema time-sucker available online, being home to more information than you could possibly care to know about every movie, actor, and filmmaker since the Lumiere Brothers frightened Parisian cafe-goers out of their wits; verb, to search for a movie, actor, or filmmaker on IMDB.com, typically for the purposes of winning an argument or procrastinating about homework). Two facts neither you nor I ever particularly wanted to know: eleven extras got injured when they fell out of the back of a moving truck, and David Bamber was the only non-German member of the cast who used a German accent (the filmmakers had a problem with the whole different languages thing and decided that the least distracting way of solving the problem was to have all the characters speaking German with English subtitles when the movie begins, but then switch to English partway through, with half the cast using their native British accents, half the cast using their native German accents, and Tom Cruise speaking strongly accented American English).

I checked Tom Cruise’s profile page and discovered that he’s in three upcoming movies, none of which look worth getting out of bed for (although I retain the right to change my mind once trailers are released).

I opened Facebook to check an invite and saw three friend requests from people I’m pretty sure that I don’t know, even though we have, like, four mutual friends. As usual, when I shut off Facebook, I vowed to never log in again, which I’m sure I will manage to do for at least a four and a half days (and is it just me, or is it creepy when you surf the web while logged into Facebook and see which of your friends have liked/commented upon/made an account with/watched/read/fill-in-the-blank-with-verb-of-your-choice whatever site you’re on?).

Gregory Peck had a nervous breakdown (no, not in real life, he’s dead; in the movie I was watching). I figured the movie had to be about over and considered searching for those radio broadcasts, but then I made the mistake of opening a Wikipedia page. I don’t remember which one it was, but through an inscrutable chain of Wikipedian hyperlinks, it eventually led to the one that’s open now. Nope, not gonna tell you which one that is.

Wikipedia devoured a vast quantities of minutes from my life, and I don’t even know what articles I looked at. I’m not too worried though: three months from now someone will ask a random question and I’ll be able to tell them the answer and know it’s perfectly true, because I read it on Wikipedia.

And then the Gregory Peck movie was over, and I hadn’t even peeked at my essay outline. So I decided to write a blog post instead. . .

Namarie from the Tale-Weaver.

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2 responses »

  1. Nathan Johnson says:

    So that’s how you get to be so smart…wikipedia…

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